by say

This is what we will do. You will embark on a journey of little actual merit and I will try to follow. We will travel together through your (false) reconstructions of everything you think you remember, and we shall then try to determine exactly how you have reached this conclusion.

My senses tell me it was not easy. You worked diligently on becoming an asshole for many years before this particular instant. That way you did not feel as though you were leaving sanity in a lurch, as you broke all of your personal ties with one severe comment.

Not that we are meant to understand, or to be in tune with our emotions. It is just that you seem so terribly out of it and I want to determine why. I cannot understand you floating over San Francisco with that waiting threat.

what did i use it for, anyway?

loving you was like trying to dance underwater.

the austere, albeit random, ellipsis i seem inclined to overuse:

...hearkens to trailing off, starting up randomly... either/or, really. it is special, too, because it's not inclined to waste your time with minutia, and it is not going to elaborate past comprehension of the speaker/writer. it's kind. it's loving. it's also annoying and i use it too often. perhaps my annoyance with it comes from my subconscious guilt from using it so often. you shouldn't use people like that. they're not toys. they're not punctuation. they are bairn. they are here/now/were. some that were were very much so. even if i never stop missing you... or especially

serves doubly as a mechanism for correction showing markup via thought train running at 7 pm sharp

a short list of short stories worth the short moments you spend on them

-The Garden Party by Katherine Mansfield

and... er i'll write more later

I am going to Manhattan to fly around Central Park on Aladdin's magic toilet paper. So guess what infections I have on my face? Square bolbademon rabbit...

sticking finger into fuego boils macaroni. Mary had a little lamb and pork. What a jerk.

gallery partitian speaks clearly for the last people who are trapped in a library?

The floor smells like burnt snails and polished shampoo and stale creme.

Senselessly sensational scents.

the people who don't take chances have yet to realize that they are going to die.

why would you bother telling the prince that you know what work is?

do you think it's going to change the way he treats you? people are not very empathetic in general, probably because they lack the intellegence to view something outside their realm of experience, or because they simply lack the intellegence to grasp fully the reasons for being empathetic. some are even (!) selfish.

anyway, about empathy, the idea of your life remains an abstract notion, only deserving of sympathy usually. now, very few emotionally stable adults (in my experience anyway) need sympathy... by itself. or need sympathy period. sympathy is useless unless you are a bawling child, and they have not begun to develop their sense of what they themselves believe and think, therefore the grounds of all of their actions and reactions are the actions and reactions of those around them. nobody likes to keep on bawling, so children are inclined to ask that someone verify that the situation really isn't that bad. and i understand a bit of regression in this respect, in emergencies mostly. situations of excrutiating pain. finding out you're pregnant when you know your boyfriend doesn't love you and your parents won't support this decision you've made. realizing you've spent your life chasing the wrong ideals. etc.

however, sympathy (as mentally developed persons are fully aware of) is short-lived. if you want the problem not to bother you any longer, you need sympathy from yourself.

one reason, still, that others (i, for one) seek what looks like sympathy is to gather facts. however, one must be prepared: when gathering facts in this clandestine manner, you must have your shields up and on full power. the blasts from some random tidbits of information people throw out by accident (i mean, the "one" of whom we speak is supposedly in severe emotional distress, not playing detective) can just hurt you further, or send you into a line of panic where you leave your supposed rational mentality and actually DO need sympathy. at any rate, this easily backfires. the point of all of this is that i cannot personally see the benefit of sharing your problems with anyone. at any rate, people will LIKE you better if you don't share. they hate hearing other peoples' problems, generally because the concensus is that everyone needs childlike sympathy when they are emotional as adults. despite the total irrationality of this analogy (adults are to rational as children are to emotional) this is the way people think and you have to deal with it. it is a rare listener indeed who will even try to consider your problems on a mature level... or even (heaven forbid!) try to put themselves in your place and from that stance give you whatever most excellent advice you do crave. for, of course, if you didn't want advice you'd only be needing sympathy... hahahaha not like there IS anything else out there.

back to what i was actually trying to say. i have never benefitted any by sharing my problems with others... and seldom (i think...) do they benefit from hearing my problems (unless it is a rare case of "the crappy state of your life makes me feel better about the slightly less crappy state of mine") so i have decided to try to "shut up" about my problems. no i've really been very open. i really have. my little sister is a rare listener, so it's not like i'll get lonely not talking to anyone. at any rate, i've put myself in a funky position with my irrational little fickle weavings in life... everyone thinks i'm stupid! okay, well, not everyone. the people who are ACTUALLY smarter (and they are few) do not underestimate my intellegence... ironically. therefore i have tons and tons of people treating me like an imbecile, which i have come to act like, when truly i generally outmatch the above-average person in every arena except for people-dealings... ahh life. so fucking bizarre and scripted. i really can't stand how unreal it all seems when you take it apart. then, reality is an unreal notion, as time, perfection, and chaos ...even the intellegence i've been writing about... all human constructs to explain things that fall outside of our range of sense. and yet they make sense... i am not trying to tear these notions down (for of course, love is among them) because they have a real, true basis... however perfection is not. and even as i say this i see the flaws in my own reasoning. the world is simply too complicated to be seen through anything but a generalizing machine. i wonder why we bother, when we are destined, seemingly, to be slightly off the mark when it comes to absolutely everything. haha lookie there another absolute. it all comes back to why we bother. silly little arbitrary fickle irrational little crazies...

just like me with telling other people my problems

i wonder what a conversation would taste like

maybe i need more respect than others are willing/able to give. in my defense, i do only demand the respect i pay others. but is it wrong of me? should i lower my standards? am i wronging myself by taking an unrealistic view of the world? and if i lower the standards for how others should treat me, should i lower the standards for how i treat them? as i said, right now they're pretty much on a level. but isn't that fucking how the world got in its current state in the first place? i hate everything. respectfully.

Monday the 13th

disdain tea and midnight oil

elbow grease

white noise

boring breathing

wheezing?

tormenting lobsters

life is so torchy

twitchy?

replay?

the play on words

make time go away.